This is a long overdue letter that I would have like to write this out since a very long time ago in the year of 2010 but I’d never make it and so for that I am sorry. In fact, a lot of what I want to say in this letter is about apologizing. I never made a conscious choice to hurt you. And yet I have – in so many different ways. Strangely enough, my motivation for doing most of the abusive stuff I did to you was about trying to make me – us – feel better.
I struggled for days, weeks, months, desperately trying to be the legs on which my past tottering relationship was balancing. But, eventually, everything toppled over and all I could do was just stand staring, overcome with shock and anguish, yet too exhausted to pick up the pieces. This will be probably taken me back to 365 days x 2 ago.
I could have blamed it on Him. He had betrayed my trust one too many times. He was too selfish and immature. Perhaps, me too. Or I could have blamed it on myself. I was too naïve, too committed and overprotective.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my situation was strangely similar to the game where I stack narrow blocks of wood on top of one another in rows of three. Everything started out solid and sturdy, but as the months progressed, pieces of the whole were withdrawn until the shaky structure crumbled to the ground in a heap of hurt feelings, angry tears and painful memories.
This was all cause by selfish – betrayed ……..and lies.
These days ended haunted my mind for months. I thought I could read every look on his face, but those betraying days, he wore an expression completely unfamiliar to me. They were all lies. Deep inside I knew what was going on.
Silent tears began to flood my eyes. I brushed one by one by them - every single of them with fingers. I remember walking down the road in rain with my outcast arms that hung in the frozen air, empty and bare without a soul to reach out to. There weren’t any strong arms to hold me, and there wasn’t a soothing voice to subdue my pain.
Without a single word.
Alexander Graham Bell once said, “When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully on the closed door that we don’t see the one that has opened for us.”
It took me months to avert my eyes from the door that had been slammed in my face. I stood looking through the keyhole at a person living his own life. A life that didn’t involve me.
I banged on the door. I kicked and screamed till I was dizzy, but all I could do was stand outside, looking in.
One day, I began to realize that in the midst of all my pain, I had neglected everything that was once important to me. I found myself standing there friendless, everything seems completely shoved away – my smile, courage and faith – the happy and optimistic me with my several months of my youth wasted on a foolish - idiot, teenage boy.
A wave of relaxation washed over me and I knew then that I was going to be who I am and rely on no one but myself for the sake of my own happiness. I was going to let go the past mistakes and start all over again. Year ago, I had slowly and at last successfully put down the huge and heavy stone that I had carried on my shoulders before.
I today am without any burden, without any stress – free-load !
From as far as I remember, I never felt completely normal, or at least what I thought was normal. I would look at other girls and they just seemed better, smarter and basically more together. I realize now that we all struggle and probably all feel like everyone else is more blessed with something that we didn’t get.
I am sorry for the way I have treated you. I am sorry for the things I have said and for complete lack of faith I have had in you at times. I apologize for not regarding you in the way you deserve and most of all for not placing your needs above all others. I have looked everywhere but to you for the love I need. I have done things and acted shameful, all in the name of earning someone else’s love, when all time there you were just waiting for me to look inward.
I know you know that our journey will be a long one and it will be far from easy. I am afraid that I will fail again, and there is a voice that speaks loudly in my head warning me to not even try; that I am only asking for disappointment.
But you deserve a hundred more attempts at getting it right.
I know, as you do, that the journey will be filled with the steps forward, followed by steps back. But that is okay. Each day I will wake up with a renewed effort and a humble prayer for the guidance I need to get back to you and to the spirit that is truly me.
I know you forgive me and I am so grateful for that. Today is a new day and with your love and support, I will take those small, but very important, steps forward.
I would begin to live my own life no matter who decided to slam their door in my face. Relationships are always collapsing, but only the strong one can pick up the pieces and rebuild their lives using their experiences as footholds the next time around.
I really do love you,
Me
-Andrea, 10th April 2011-
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